Today isn’t going well. My partner doesn’t want to spend time with me, and there’s no way to put it otherwise; this sucks. No one likes to feel unwanted. I know at times she’s felt this way about me, too. So, I guess this is my turn. Not liking it, you gather.
Sometimes I wonder if she agrees to hang out with me just to appease me. Then, that makes me feel as if she doesn’t really want to be here, and it makes me question– paranoid like– when she’s here from a sense of desire or obligation. So, the time we have together becomes worth less and less. When unsure if she really wants to be here, or even worse when I’m sure she doesn’t, I don’t invest much into it. Here we are.
When you want to spend time with a person, it’s generally more about that than the activity. Well, to an extent. I’m not interested in dating at a water treatment plant. Oh dear, the smell. But, barring those kinds of exceptions, I’d really rather just spend time with the person I want. I’m thinking I’m not the only one.
Over last semester I was working ungodly hours. It was dark sided. Really, I was putting in 60 hour weeks, and that didn’t leave much time for life. When I got home, all I really wanted was a little time with my partner, and a little time to burn online. She found it hard when I wasn’t interested in spending as much time with her as in months (or years) past. Over the course of those four months it was made clear I’d done irreparable harm to the relationship. So, I’ve strived to make changes in my life to allocate more time to the relationship. It’s been challenging. This is also a big impetus in wanting to work rather than go to law school this year. I don’t think our relationship would survive.
Now the opposite has happened; I’m feeling lonely, wanting to spend time together she’d rather spend alone. Maybe it’s the dynamic where now she’s working more than me. Maybe we’re already lost. Honestly, I’m not really sure, and I’m not even sure if she’s sure. Uncertainty abounds. All I know now is that the situation as is sucks. I miss my partner. I’m setting up sweet dates, planning romantic surprise vacations, and doing all the housework. Every holiday has a nice surprise. Hope it works?